A Closer Look At Porn
If we take away the secrecy, shame and moral tut-tutting about porn, we can actually look at it. I don’t mean look at it, literally. That’s up to you. I mean look at how it plays out in our society, in relationships, and in marriage.
I used to be a reporter. I’m a therapist now. But I always have in the back of my mind the advice to “follow the money.” So when I look at how porn affects the marriages of some of my clients, that gets me thinking. It’s easy to overlook the imporant fact that porn is a money- making industry. It has a vested interest in your marriage being kind of, well, blah.
Here’s how it works: the goal of a business is to make money. The porn business is no exception. It doesn’t make money by selling you one oil painting of a Rubinesque nude that you can hang on the wall and look at for life. It makes huge bucks by by hooking you regularly to come back for something that you somehow can’t get enough of. But why is it that some people can’t get “enough?”
Appealing to Primal Instinct
Just like porn, fast food appeals to the human being’s most basic primal needs and desires. While nutritionally barren, fast food has huge amounts of fat, sugar and salt. It has much more of these than the food you make at home, so that your brain has a much greater chance of lovin’ it! The problem is, there’s not much food in the food. By this I mean fast food is missing many of the nutrients your body requires in order to look and feel great and live a happy life. Your grandmother’s homemade stew had tons of great stuff that the cheap, easy bag o’food you got at the drive through does not have.
This is one hypothesis for why people can’t seem get enough of fast food: they are continually hungry for more nutrition, and their brains are fooled into seeking it in food that will never satisfy. No wonder we want more. It’s like drinking salt water. It just makes you thirstier. Sound lucrative? It is!
Back To Sex
“Big Food” and “Big Sex” are very much alike. Sex is something wonderful, normal and appealing to most human beings. That’s because we are wired to seek it out. None of us would be here if humans didn’t want to do it. A lot. But instead of jacking up the fat, salt and sugar in its product, porn jacks up the, ahem, features that most appeal to the brain’s sexual trigger points. You won’t find the female equivalent of grandma’s homemade stew on many porn websites. Instead, all you see are people with attributes and poses that physically cue the human primate to “monkey see, monkey do.” We are pretty dumb, really, whether its a naked body or a double bacon cheeseburger waved in front of us.
Sadly, people who really get hooked are sometimes those who are “nutritionally deficient” in the area of intimacy and human connection. Their relationship, marriage, or life, may be lacking in essential elements for a happy life. Turning to pretend-partners can increase that disconnection. That paradox is caused by the fact that:
Being Full And Getting What You Need Aren’t The Same Thing
With real food, whether its meat, whole grains, fruits, vegetables, herbs, or oils: you are fed. Your body gets all the nutrients it needs so that, over time, it is truly satisfied and feeling optimum. The body seeks out normal amounts every so often, and all is well. Outside cues can still trigger a desire for eating unhealthy stuff, but generally a person feels balanced and satisfied. (I am not going to go on here to talk about the long, long list of accumulating benefits of consistent good nutrition, except to say it is not only satisfying but amazing for your physical, emotional, intellectual, and financial health as well as building family, community, and yes, even spiritual health. It’s just darn good. But you already knew that.)
Humans Crave Real Connection
With real life sex, the kind with genuine human intimacy and connection with someone you love, you are satisfied in a different way. (Let’s leave the netherworld of hook ups aside for now, ok? I can’t do it all in one blog.) Depending on how much you have grown your relationship and yourself, it can go far beyond immediate rewards. You get all of the “nutrients” that a human being needs and craves. These including love, connection, emotional regulation, being known and knowing, trust, security, and deep intimacy. When someone has this, they feel satisfied on so many levels. A real, intimate relationship can be amazing for your physical, emotional, intellectual, and financial health as well as building family, community, and yes, even spiritual health.
I am sure plenty of people reading this might look at it as black and white and say “I know lots of people who can eat a bag of cheeseburgers or look at a sex video without getting obese or married to their smartphone!” That is certainly true. That’s doesn’t actually change my point.
I Have A Point
My point is this: If you are having trouble with your health or your sex life, it might be good to consider what you put in your mind and body. Profiteers are fishing into your brain to make you want more, more, more all while giving you less, less, less. So it might be good to notice that’s happening. It might also be good to consider that you are normal. There is is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you don’t already know how to grow, choose, buy, cook or serve great, nutritionally dense food just as you might not know how to build a great, intimate sex life. It’s never too late. And as you learn, you will be on your way to getting out of the “Matrix” of virtual sex. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. Let’s get back to the food analogy. Skipping the drive thru one day will not mean you LOVE SALAD! day one. But, the more crap you eat, the worse the salad tastes. Hunger makes it more delicious. So does getting great at finding and making great, healthy food. It’s a journey. The more you avoid the fake, the more time you have to focus on discovering how to fully immerse yourself in real life and get better and better at creating the life, health and relationships that satisfy.
All Good Things Take Time
If someone is hooked into watching porn, married sex might seem like an iceberg salad. With croutons, if it’s Saturday. But it’s very misleading to compare profitable brain triggers and quick momentary satisfaction to the joy of growing your own intimacy. Real connection takes effort, but brings exponential rewards. Slow and steady wins the race.
So which do you choose: the “red pill” that will lead to a wonderful, satisfying real life and marriage? Or the little “blue pill” that will, like in the Matrix movie, make you go back to sleep and forget you are being duped by forces larger than yourself?
Margie Wheelhouse is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She helps couples in Springfield, Chicago and throughout Illinois build great relationships and repair broken ones. To schedule or send her an email, click here.
