“We have nothing in common anymore.”

What’s The Real Problem?

When couples first come in to see me, one of them often diagnoses the problem.  They’ll say “we have nothing in common anymore.”  The idea seems to be that people have “things in common,” at first.  Then when that runs out, the relationship is kind of done.  Makes sense.  When you go to a restaurant and have nothing to talk about, when you seem to be roommates and don’t share the fun stuff in life, it can feel pretty doomed.

The Symptom Isn’t The Problem

What I also know is that having “nothing in common” is often a symptom of the problem, but not the problem itself  When two people have lost (or never really had) a strong, safe emotional connection, it can eventually lead to so much distance that having a million things in common still wouldn’t feel like enough.

Here’s the good news:

When I see people successfully repair their connection, they feel a new energy and interest in sharing their lives.  That old sense of discovering the world together, planning the future, or savoring the present together becomes possible again.

Margie Wheelhouse is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Springfield, Illinois.  She helps couples build great relationships and repair broken ones.