Hidden Misunderstandings It’s possible you can love someone and they don’t feel it. Or vice versa. This can be hard to understand, and too often we find out years, decades, a whole lifetime too late. The idea is captured in a popular book titled “Five Love Languages,” by author Gary Chapman. It’s a great tool for […]
Are You Being Gaslighted?
It Starts With A Lie Have you ever felt like someone was trying to cover up a lie by making you think you were crazy? It could be a friend, a spouse, a coworker, or anyone you deal with on a regular basis. Did it make you question yourself? Deliberately trying to make someone think […]
What’s Wrong With Date Night
The Set Up It seems like a no-brainer, doesn’t it? Just set up a time to go on a date and you’ll inject some much needed fun into your relationship. “Hey, let’s go to our favorite restaurant and not worry about the kids!” The problem is, you may wind up talking about the kids, or […]
Worried That You’re Not “In Love” With Your Spouse?
“I love him, but I’m not ‘in love’ with him.” It’s something I hear fairly often in my therapy office. So what? Is my reply. Okay, not really. I promise never to say “so what?” to anyone when they tell me their feelings. But to some degree, that’s what I feel like saying, because, really, […]
Your Intentions Are Irrelevant
First Things First If your best friend reaches across the table for the salt and pokes you in the eye, does your eye hurt any less because it was an accident? Are you more likely to yell “OW!” or to say “WHY did you do that?!” Sure, you might say something a lot stronger than […]
When You’re Scared of Being Hurt
Keep getting more of what you fear? It’s not a coincidence. We generally go where we’re aiming. If your eyes are on it, that’s where you’re headed. Ever heard someone say “Don’t look down”? That’s because looking down might increase the chances of heading that way. What do you fear? Do you fear being… alone? […]
Think You’re An Expert on Your Spouse?
How well do you know your spouse? If you answered “very well,” that could be good news. Unless, of course, you are mostly an expert on what’s wrong with your spouse. People who come into my office are often unable to get through hard times in their relationship. Sometimes a big part of the problem […]
What Not To Do When You’re Caught Cheating
I’m Caught, What Now? If you’ve been caught red handed in an affair, you might be at the beginning of a way better life. Or you could be starting patterns that will make your life and your family’s lives a nightmare. It’s not all up to you, but a lot of it is. What I’m […]
Is Your Partner’s ADHD Driving You Nuts?
It’s easy to love someone with ADHD when you don’t live with them. But when your life partner has it, it’s a different deal. When I work with couples in counseling, sometimes I bump into this. Arguments, resentments, power struggles and distance can sometimes be traced to undiagnosed or misunderstood ADHD. How many of these […]
Are You A Backseat Driver? Or Are You Plagued By One?
Distracted Driving is Bad Enough We hear a lot about the dangers of distracted driving. But what about “criticized driving”? I’d like to see some statistics on that. Behind money, household chores and sex, I would have to say that driving is probably right up there near the top when it comes to couples complaints […]
When Your Husband Won’t Come To Counseling
Are You The Only One Trying? You know it’s bad when one person in a relationship seems to be doing all the work. How frustrating to know in your bones that life could be happier if only you could get some cooperation. On the other hand, maybe your husband won’t come to counseling. What to […]
Would You Like Boobs With That? How Porn Can Starve Your Marriage
A Closer Look At Porn If we take away the secrecy, shame and moral tut-tutting about porn, we can actually look at it. I don’t mean look at it, literally. That’s up to you. I mean look at how it plays out in our society, in relationships, and in marriage. I used to be a […]
When You Have Nothing To Talk About
Tired of Talking About What To Have For Dinner? You hear plenty of talk about how sex sometimes goes downhill in marriage. But not enough is said about conversation. This problem of having “nothing to talk about” was summed up really well in an episode of Seinfeld, in which Kramer explained to Jerry the pitfalls […]
Are You Too Selfish in your Relationship?
Is fear of being seen as “selfish” keeping you from a healthy relationship? Often times we know exactly what we want, but we are very afraid. We’re afraid of being rejected, of being criticized, or of being alone. The worst part about this is that we are right. I may very well not get what […]
Why Your Relationships Keep Failing
Ever wonder why you can’t seem to find relationships where you are treated as well as you want to be treated? Maybe you’ve had a series of mismatches. Or maybe you’re in one long relationship that is somehow promising and lonely at the same time. Is this you? If so, there is a way better […]
How Ryan Gosling Is Ruining Your Relationship
He’s devoted. Also sensitive. Oh, and he’s handsome. And he is ruining your relationship. Okay, maybe Ryan Gosling is not actually doing anything wrong. He’s making a good buck entertaining grown up little girls. He appeals to those who like the Cinderella story. But he also reaches those who want someone a little more lifelike […]
Why Low Desire For Sex Can (Sometimes) Be A Good Thing
Sex and Sleep: You May Be More Normal Than You Thought So many people worry they have insomnia because they wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep for a long time. Most of them are normal. Why do they think they’re not? Because the history of sleep is […]
Everything Old Is New Again
Have you ever had the feeling that you know everything there is to know about your husband (boyfriend, wife, whatever)? What if there was a magic potion you could take to reverse that? To bring a sense of “Vuja De” into your life? I would define it for you, but it will be more fun […]
Communication Problems Series, Part 3: Contempt
You Can Spot Contempt Easily The eye roll. It’s probably the biggest indicator that things are not going well in a relationship. Try it: look away from the screen, fold your arms, frown, and roll your eyes like you’ve just heard the stupidest thing in the world. Now what if that “stupidest thing” were your […]
Communication Problems Series, Part 2: Defensiveness
A Sneaky Problem Defensiveness is a big stumbling block to great communication because it’s so sneaky. You can’t really see it very well unless you’re on the receiving end of it. When we accidentally hurt someone, it seems so logical to explain how innocent we are. “I didn’t mean it!” or “I didn’t mean it […]
Communication Problems Series, Part 1: Criticism
What Are We Talking About? One difficulty with targeting “communication” as a problem in relationships is that the subject is just much too broad. So we have poor communication. So what? What does it even mean, and what can we do about it? A lot, it turns out. When we can zero in on exactly what is going […]
Communication Problems Can Be a Big Threat To Your Relationship
Communication Problems Create Bigger Problems What We Say (And Don’t Say) Matters If you wonder how big of a deal good communication is, there was a time when a problem in communication almost killed my husband. Well, actually, it was I who almost killed him. And not really “almost killed,” but “almost didn’t save.” […]
Those Little Annoyances
“Are You Darth Vader?” For the zillionth time again last night, I woke up my husband in the middle of the night by pulling on his C-Pap mask and asking him what it was. Yep, I’m a sleep walker and talker. I am sure I need a sleep study myself. What’s even weirder is that […]
One Weird Trick to improve your relationship
I’m Not Like Them I hate those click bait things that promise one weird trick. Mostly because they suggest I need to “flatten my tummy” or “smooth my wrinkles.” Jerks. I won’t click on anyone who insults me first. But I do have a trick, although I lied, it’s not weird at all. It’s just […]
Fighting Over Something Stupid Again?
It Seems So Silly People who come to me for couples counseling are so often frustrated because they keep having battles over the dumbest things ever. Like when something happens and you suddenly feel upset but it looks trivial to the other person. You try to just let it go, but it keeps coming back. […]
How to Make a Terrible Apology
I’m Sorry A sincere apology is probably one of the best relationship skills a person can have. But, just as a hammer can be a tool for building a nice house or a weapon used to cause great bodily harm, an apology is only as good as the intention behind it. If you’ve ever received […]
Scrooged About Being Single This Season?
For some people, being single feels worse during the holidays. One reasons is likely the number of get-togethers. From Thanksgiving Dinner all the way through to New Year’s Day brunches, there is a lot going on. If you don’t like going alone to one cook-out pool party in July, then November through January can be […]
Why Communication in Relationships Shouldn’t Include Mind Reading
Are You Sure Of What You “Know?” How often in a long term relationship do we think we can read the other person’s mind? Sadly, it’s all too often that what we think we “know” is just not true. The worst part of it is, we react to what we think, rather than giving the […]
“We have nothing in common anymore.”
What’s The Real Problem? When couples first come in to see me, one of them often diagnoses the problem. They’ll say “we have nothing in common anymore.” The idea seems to be that people have “things in common,” at first. Then when that runs out, the relationship is kind of done. Makes sense. When you […]